Unexpected Loss
By: KaeBeth Rosenberg
It was a cool November morning in 1993 when my friends were awakened, by a police officer at their door. Their 22-yr-old son, a very important person in my life, had been in a fatal car wreck. They stood there in shock as the crickets chirped.
Years later a baby was born prematurely–not developed enough to take its first breath. Another baby died several weeks after conception. In an ultrasound no heartbeat was found.
In September of 2010, I found out via Facebook that one of my best friends had died suddenly. As tears welled up in my eyes, I told myself it wasn’t true. Then I made the phone call confirming that, it was.
Another car accident; another young life taken away too soon. And, a week later, a wife lost her husband in a motorcycle accident. He was the father of three.
We can probably each plug in a name, date, and details for other unexpected losses. And if we have not yet experienced such an event, I quote the lyrics to a song by Mat Kearney which states, sadly, “we’re all one phone call from our knees.”
Each tragic event fills our hearts with grief that seems unbearable. Yet somehow, we manage to get through the pain. We find ways to cope. We get on with our lives when we never thought we would.
Initially, shock and denial can be wonderful friends. Shock has a way of numbing a person, enabling one to function through the extreme sorrow. Denial helps when accepting the truth of what has happened is simply too much.
How one survives a sudden loss is a testament to their inner strength, faith, and the friendships they have developed.
My friend, whose whole life revolved around her only son, chose to open a floral business after his fatal car accident. This endeavor rescued her when it seemed hope was lost. Her business soared and I am continually amazed by the strong spirit she possesses. Being in the floral business has given her the opportunity to reach out to others when they grieve.
When I asked people who have experienced unexpected loss what helped them through it, many answered “friends, family, and faith.”
Others, like Suzanne, found comfort when people said, “How awful. I’m so sorry that happened” and offered no clichés. They later invited her and her husband to do specific activities with them. This is wonderful advice for those who aren’t sure what to say or do when someone has died.
“LOVE. Whether it’s friends or family, memories or dreams; it’s the love that overwhelms the feelings of pain and sorrow and loss. Love gives me the strength to fight through anything. That’s what gets me through,” replied Kate, who has lost both a brother and a sister.
Barbara, a mother of four, who had two children die suddenly in separate car accidents, says “Memories. I choose to remember and celebrate the joy that we shared. Loss is not something you get through, but something you live with forever. Time makes the pain softer.”
Keep in mind that, even though it may feel like it, you are not alone in your sorrow. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people around you. Talk about your loss. Cry when you feel like crying. Surround yourself with those who have experienced similar events in their lives. And, laugh when you can.
May time and happy memories continue to soften the pain in each of our hearts.
