Everybody Hurts Sometimes: A Guide to Grief
By KaeBeth Rosenberg
We all experience grief at some point in our lives, whether it’s due to the loss of a pet, friend, sibling, child, or parent. And while we all face it at different times, and under various circumstances, certain aspects of grief are similar: It is painful, it sometimes hits unexpectedly, and the pain can last a lifetime.
There is no wrong way to grieve. Any way you choose to express yourself is normal. We all grieve in our own individual way. Many people cry. Some like to visit their loved one’s gravesite, or a place where ashes were spread. Others never do that. Some talk to their loved one, or wear a favorite shirt; others write letters or poetry. However you choose to express yourself is o.k.
There is no set time for grief. While you may be given a week off from work, don’t expect your emotions to be ready at that time. It often takes several weeks or months to start feeling like your regular self. And then, when you think you’re doing fine you might be hit in the face with a memory out of the blue, or a song on the radio will turn you into mush. Grief is very sneaky and surprising, so have tissues handy.
While time does heal all wounds, one never “gets over” the loss of someone close to them. The pain will become less paralyzing as the weeks, months, and years go by, but we continue to re-grieve as time passes. This too is normal.
Anniversaries can be especially difficult. Sometimes grief creeps in unexpectedly and you realize that it’s been three months since your uncle died. One thing that I have found helpful is to celebrate events like birthdays, Mother’s Day, Wedding Anniversaries, etc. For instance, a year or two after my father died I was having a particularly difficult time dealing with his birthday. A friend suggested that I do something to honor him. I decided I would make his favorite cookies: the peanut butter ones with a chocolate kiss in the middle. So, I baked up a batch and gave them out to friends, telling them why. I have done it every year since and people look forward to celebrating my father’s birthday and remembering him with me. For you, it may be going out for chicken wings, or having a game night. Whatever it is that reminds you of the person you lost, do that as a way to celebrate their life, and keep their memory alive.
People often don’t know what they can do to help when someone dies. They say, “Let me know if you need anything” and then do nothing because the grieving person can’t always process what is needed at the time, or doesn’t want to impose. Preparing a meal, babysitting, or even taking the dog for a walk, are practical ways to show you care.
Don’t feel that you need to apologize for being out of sorts while going through the grief process. It’s expected. Surround yourself with supportive, loving people as much as possible. Also, don’t feel like you have to go through it alone. If you’re having an especially difficult time dealing with your thoughts and emotions, there is nothing wrong with seeking one-on-one counsel from a therapist, member of the clergy, or social worker. A grief group is also a wonderful place for some. Local Hospice houses typically have weekly groups where you can go to be around others who are dealing with similar feelings, and this can bring great comfort.
In Traverse City, Munson Hospice House offers adult grief support on Monday nights from 6:30-8:30. You may contact Patti Amalfitano at (231)935-8491 for information. Munson also helps children deal with their grief in a safe, relaxing environment by offering Children’s Grief: Art Therapy Programs. For more information call Barbara McIntyre, PhD at (231) 935-8492. “Michael’s Place” also serves children, teens, adults, and families as they grieve and heal. They offer many programs throughout the year, and may be contacted at (231)947-6453 or visit their website: http://www.mymichaelsplace.net/. For those who have lost a child of any age, “The Compassionate Friends” is a worldwide organization providing emotional support, information, and healing. They have chapters that meet in small towns and big cities. For more information go to http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx, or call (877) 969-0010.
Remember, we are all on this journey of life and death together. You are never alone even though it may feel like it at times. If you are in pain as you read this, please know that there are people who care, and if “Just Like Family” can help you through the process by getting you in touch with a counselor, or grief group, please contact us. Wishing you grace and peace.
